I got tired

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Forgive me please but today’s post is part of a very long process of healing, and sometimes it is easier to get thoughts on to paper, and if anyone reads and comments, I would be grateful. I want no sympathy, I have moved on with my life, I just need to bury a ghost.

I am one of those irritating people who have a need to get things off their chest, as it were, every now and then. Sometimes, you understand, this is not possible.  The circumstance just is not right, or the person to whom you want to say it is not there, or doesn’t want the discussion. I stupidly believe that if we could just sit down and discuss it, it would clear the air and we could move on. I say “stupidly” because not everyone sees it like this, which is neither right nor wrong, to each his own. We are all different and I respect that.  There is a point in life you have to just let go, however, and walk away, issues unresolved, and no closure. I find this difficult to deal with.  In my head I understand the reality, but I find it difficult to accept, I battle with it.  I go over and over past events in my mind, wondering where I went wrong, could I have done it differently. I wrote this post to erase the ghost of my ex. I got tired, I had no choice but to walk away.

I don’t suppose you ever wondered why I stopped talking to you. Why I left. Why I walked away and didn’t look back. I got tired.

I stood by you. I was your friend, in spite of the way you treated me. In spite of.  Because somehow I still believed that the person I liked and loved was still there, underneath it all.  Because that’s what friends do, they stick by and support each other. They are there through good and bad. I fought for you. That’s what friends do.

But all those “in spite of”s added up, and I got tired of your lies, I got tired of being let down. One day the pain got too much and I had to let go. I had to leave and know if you wanted me, you’d let me know.  That’s how I got my answer. You didn’t even notice.

In the beginning of you and me, the history of us, I felt I had no right to ask anything of you.  But I felt I had a fraction of a right to ask for your honesty. I thought that would give you your freedom, would enable you to live unrestricted, not trapped, free to be open with me, and free to move on if, and when, you needed to. Because I knew that day would come. Because of that I didn’t think it was too much to ask.

But honesty was not what you were ever willing to give me. I wasn’t worth the truth.  I think about this a lot, and still I cannot understand why. And yet it tells me so much about what you really thought of me.

And so I left, but I still keep you in my heart, my broken heart. Forever. But I got tired.

I got tired, too tired to try to fix myself each time you broke me.

Whatever happened between A and Z, I will never understand.  Maybe you were just playing a game, and yet all the while I was just trying to be your friend.

In case I ever cross your mind, in case you wonder why, I left because I got tired.

A hole in my soul

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I can’t seem to shake off this sadness, and this makes me feel like a failure. I try to appear positive and somehow this makes me feel even worse. I wonder how long hearts take to heal.

Twitter tells me it is #WorldKindnessDay and what a shame it has to have just a day dedicated to it, because kindness matters. All the time. It can make the difference, all the difference.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I wish you peace and happiness. May your days be filled with kindness.

Healing

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I haven’t posted for a while. A combination of my chronic pain and life events has left me stunned and sad.  2016 has certainly been an eventful year and has left me struggling more than I had expected.

I am trying to take a little time to heal and hope that I will come back with inspiration. I wish you all peace, I hope to catch up soon.

 

 

 

 

Death and dying

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Yes, this isn’t what you might have hoped for. But in fairness my blog is about random things, thoughts, life and stuff in general.  Unfortunately not as popular as chocolate and cake, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently, for various reasons, of death and dying.

And so, please excuse my insomnia-befuddled brain as I try to string my thoughts together, albeit not very well.

This year has seen a number of deaths of famous people. Is it just one of those times, or are we just at an age where it means more when someone you know of dies?  Then too, I have had death in the family, and a couple of lovely friends have had an even more devastating time.  Death just isn’t something we tend to talk about or deal with much in terms of acknowledging it and yet there is no getting away from it. And so when it happens, coping can be extremely difficult.  We are all different, and react and cope differently, and one can feel so utterly helpless in being unable to lessen someone else’s pain.

The death of a loved one is deeply traumatic, but grief is a necessary process to heal, to get closure.  There is no time limit to healing. One thing I do know is that if you don’t let yourself grieve, it will come back and bite you when you least expect it.  Sometimes one feels that  it is self-indulgent to grieve, that one should be coping.  No! Your feelings are justified, no-one can tell you how, where, what or when you need to feel.

Death is a funny subject, and people deal with it in different ways from humour (bizarrely cathartic) to avoidance (not good) and everything in between. But pretending that it does not happen does not help.  It is as much a part of life as anything else.  I think it is important to bring children up without shielding them from it, don’t keep them away from funerals, children are resilient and curious.  Life is a process, beginnings and endings, sickness and health, happiness and sadness.  If we grow up understanding this – not necessarily in all its gory detail – I think maybe we would cope, if only a tiny bit, better.  And we all have different ways of coping.  No way is right or wrong.  But my point is that with a bit of knowledge, perhaps there would be a bit more understanding, both of others and of ourselves.

It is desperately sad how it can be that those who seem to care about you are the same people who disappear when you are mourning the death of a loved one. People react in strange ways.

A common thread – both in my own experience and that of friends – is that the people you thought would be there for you are not.  But regular contact, even if only to say I’m here, I’m thinking of you is so, so important. The comfort of care. A hug. That just helps you make it through another day. Yet people will think oh, I don’t know what to say, they won’t want to talk about it. This adds to the pain.  All you want is someone to show that they care. sometimes to be able to talk about it is an enormous relief. The one time you really need a friend and yet your own pain is too raw to ask.

To go through grief alone is a terrible thing. You know that nothing can take away what has happened, that no words can magically heal.  But these little bits of caring add up, and help.  They really help.

And if you are going through this right now, I wish you peace and love. Give yourself time.