I got tired

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Forgive me please but today’s post is part of a very long process of healing, and sometimes it is easier to get thoughts on to paper, and if anyone reads and comments, I would be grateful. I want no sympathy, I have moved on with my life, I just need to bury a ghost.

I am one of those irritating people who have a need to get things off their chest, as it were, every now and then. Sometimes, you understand, this is not possible.  The circumstance just is not right, or the person to whom you want to say it is not there, or doesn’t want the discussion. I stupidly believe that if we could just sit down and discuss it, it would clear the air and we could move on. I say “stupidly” because not everyone sees it like this, which is neither right nor wrong, to each his own. We are all different and I respect that.  There is a point in life you have to just let go, however, and walk away, issues unresolved, and no closure. I find this difficult to deal with.  In my head I understand the reality, but I find it difficult to accept, I battle with it.  I go over and over past events in my mind, wondering where I went wrong, could I have done it differently. I wrote this post to erase the ghost of my ex. I got tired, I had no choice but to walk away.

I don’t suppose you ever wondered why I stopped talking to you. Why I left. Why I walked away and didn’t look back. I got tired.

I stood by you. I was your friend, in spite of the way you treated me. In spite of.  Because somehow I still believed that the person I liked and loved was still there, underneath it all.  Because that’s what friends do, they stick by and support each other. They are there through good and bad. I fought for you. That’s what friends do.

But all those “in spite of”s added up, and I got tired of your lies, I got tired of being let down. One day the pain got too much and I had to let go. I had to leave and know if you wanted me, you’d let me know.  That’s how I got my answer. You didn’t even notice.

In the beginning of you and me, the history of us, I felt I had no right to ask anything of you.  But I felt I had a fraction of a right to ask for your honesty. I thought that would give you your freedom, would enable you to live unrestricted, not trapped, free to be open with me, and free to move on if, and when, you needed to. Because I knew that day would come. Because of that I didn’t think it was too much to ask.

But honesty was not what you were ever willing to give me. I wasn’t worth the truth.  I think about this a lot, and still I cannot understand why. And yet it tells me so much about what you really thought of me.

And so I left, but I still keep you in my heart, my broken heart. Forever. But I got tired.

I got tired, too tired to try to fix myself each time you broke me.

Whatever happened between A and Z, I will never understand.  Maybe you were just playing a game, and yet all the while I was just trying to be your friend.

In case I ever cross your mind, in case you wonder why, I left because I got tired.

Friendship

I have been thinking a lot about friendship. For quite a while.  This is as a result of what is going on in my life, what is going on in friends’ lives and general observations on social media. And introspection.

It seems to me that the concept of friendship has changed. Just saying this makes me feel awfully old, and old fashioned. But maybe it is that we now place different values on friendship. Then again, if we do, has it changed, or have I not noticed it until now. Or do I simply not have the social skills myself to make a lasting friendship? As I said, introspection.

For me, certain attributes are very important in friendship. Honesty, loyalty always. Having things in common is important, and yet having different interests is important too. A friend doesn’t always have to be someone similar to me, we can be very different people and yet there are common aspects of our lives that bring us together.

Is friendship more fleeting these days? A friendship of necessity, drawn together by a common circumstance, and when or if that circumstance changes, the friendship doesn’t survive?

I hate to fall out with a friend. Especially over a misunderstanding. I will fight for a friendship, fight not to lose it. Because that friend is important to me, because misunderstandings can be resolved, we can agree to disagree, but that person with whom I originally became friends is still there, underneath that all. Why would I throw it away?

When a friend changes the way they behave towards me without reason, it hurts. I wonder why. I wonder what I have done to cause this. I try to understand, to find out what happened, to resolve any issues. Am I foolish for doing this? I don’t understand how someone can just walk away from a friendship without a backward glance.

And yet we all, I am sure, have at some stage in our lives had a friend where after a while you realise you are making all the effort, you are always there for them when they need you, they disappear when things go well, they are not there when you need them. And then sometimes, it feels that the only option is to call time on the friendship. This is still a painful decision to have to make.

I am losing two friends at the moment. One for reasons I cannot understand, and I have tried. I have tried to understand, and I have tried to save the friendship. I just don’t know what else to do. The lack of explanation or closure is what hurts the most.

My other friend was in a motorbike accident a couple of weeks ago. I still live in hope that he can pull through, but it is looking more and more like he will not make it. This is a different kind of sadness and loss. And I feel so helpless when trying to offer support to his friends and family.

What are your experiences with friendship? Do you agree, or disagree? Is there a trick to dealing with all this that I haven’t learned?