Random thoughts (aka braindump)

I haven’t blogged for a while, it has been on my mind, but truth be told, my heart was not in it.  There are many things I would like to write, but life has left me numb inside. Dealing with bereavement, insomnia, chronic pain and the issues that these throw up interspersed with “normal” life has left me exhausted and drained.

I haven’t been able to bake, which rules that subject out, and I am struggling to find inspiration. And so, for the sake of keeping this blog going, I am putting a few words down.

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Choice

You don’t need me to tell you there is a lot going on in the world.

I believe we gain nothing from attacking others for their opinions and beliefs.  We can all work together with what we have and do our damndest to make it great. Or we can ruin everything. It’s a choice.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, have a peaceful day 🙂

I got tired

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Forgive me please but today’s post is part of a very long process of healing, and sometimes it is easier to get thoughts on to paper, and if anyone reads and comments, I would be grateful. I want no sympathy, I have moved on with my life, I just need to bury a ghost.

I am one of those irritating people who have a need to get things off their chest, as it were, every now and then. Sometimes, you understand, this is not possible.  The circumstance just is not right, or the person to whom you want to say it is not there, or doesn’t want the discussion. I stupidly believe that if we could just sit down and discuss it, it would clear the air and we could move on. I say “stupidly” because not everyone sees it like this, which is neither right nor wrong, to each his own. We are all different and I respect that.  There is a point in life you have to just let go, however, and walk away, issues unresolved, and no closure. I find this difficult to deal with.  In my head I understand the reality, but I find it difficult to accept, I battle with it.  I go over and over past events in my mind, wondering where I went wrong, could I have done it differently. I wrote this post to erase the ghost of my ex. I got tired, I had no choice but to walk away.

I don’t suppose you ever wondered why I stopped talking to you. Why I left. Why I walked away and didn’t look back. I got tired.

I stood by you. I was your friend, in spite of the way you treated me. In spite of.  Because somehow I still believed that the person I liked and loved was still there, underneath it all.  Because that’s what friends do, they stick by and support each other. They are there through good and bad. I fought for you. That’s what friends do.

But all those “in spite of”s added up, and I got tired of your lies, I got tired of being let down. One day the pain got too much and I had to let go. I had to leave and know if you wanted me, you’d let me know.  That’s how I got my answer. You didn’t even notice.

In the beginning of you and me, the history of us, I felt I had no right to ask anything of you.  But I felt I had a fraction of a right to ask for your honesty. I thought that would give you your freedom, would enable you to live unrestricted, not trapped, free to be open with me, and free to move on if, and when, you needed to. Because I knew that day would come. Because of that I didn’t think it was too much to ask.

But honesty was not what you were ever willing to give me. I wasn’t worth the truth.  I think about this a lot, and still I cannot understand why. And yet it tells me so much about what you really thought of me.

And so I left, but I still keep you in my heart, my broken heart. Forever. But I got tired.

I got tired, too tired to try to fix myself each time you broke me.

Whatever happened between A and Z, I will never understand.  Maybe you were just playing a game, and yet all the while I was just trying to be your friend.

In case I ever cross your mind, in case you wonder why, I left because I got tired.